Seen this in another forum, thought it was really funny, and some of you could relate. ;D
MECHANIC'S TOOL GLOSSARY
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane
part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters from the 2X4 you just used.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at the Tydol station, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, CDs, DVDs, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A handy balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
Ohh Man... That's GREAT!
I needed that!
That one had me laughing. It also brought back a few memories.
Tercin
i always though they were called flying tools, now i know the real name. i can laugh at almost all of them from experience.
I'm gonna make a million or more on the tool name I thought of. fuken tools. guys will be swarming for them. or they'll send their wives after my fuken tools. I hope nobody was offended. it's just an idea.
krazi
As the owner of TWO full boxes of "Dammit Tools" I can relate. I work on my cars at home & I'm a Line Mechanic at work (they break it I fix it) The Vise Grip line is ESPECIALLY true! I've got one to add tho....
MIG/ARC WELDER: Tool used for searing flesh, creating pretty spots in vision, and convieniently sticking your work to the metal welding table, so it can't be moved.
bench vise- a tool that cam be used to hold things and break them when you don't want it to, also good for neatly crushing pop cans when you're bored
bicycle repair stand- a neat and rather expensive tool that drops your bike on you while you're trying to make repairs.
those are great :laugh: i love em keep them coming
;D roflmao.. ;D
That was one of the funniest Darn things Ive ever read ! I'm a machinist as well as a fellow enthusiast and i can definitely relate to some of these things at work also.
But they all apply at home, OMG I'm still laughing!!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Hey ! wondering if its going to be possible to post movies or wave files directly into the 'post' one of these days?? I have a funny wav file of a laugh that i wanted to post.
Robert
"Rollaway"
A device for storing tools that has wheels to enable rolling to the work are that inevitably ends up staying in one place and you have to walk back and forth 1,189 times to just replace a item on your car that allegedly "will only take one ratchet and a socket"
"Tool cart"
A rolling device with shelves to store almost everthing except tools required for the current job at hand.
"Garage"
A place to store everything to work on the car, but not the car your working on.
"4in Angle grinder"
An electric high speed grinding device that is extremely effective at cutting through "Mechanics Gloves" and into flesh in milliseconds
"Gravity"
A force that helps everythings stay on the ground as well as wrenches that fall into your face with extreme prejudice while working under a vehicle.
"Far most corner of Garage"
a place where every nut and washer will fall and roll to if you don't watch it.
"Center of vehicle"
See above
"Only 6 months"
What time your 3 year project was supposed to take
"When will it be done?"
Everyone you told your project would take 6 months keeps asking you.
"Measure with micrometer, mark with chalk, cut with axe"